Thursday, April 30, 2009

Open Letter to My Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

Thank you so much for coming over tonight to chat with me regarding my failure to maintain my yard to your exacting standards. Yes, I am extremely aware that you spend somewhere around 46,752 hours a week keeping your yard perfectly manicured, and that compared to yours, mine looks a bastard step-child.

Regarding your inquiry as to what my plans were for my yard this year (which obviously, as my neighbor, you have a God-given right to know), they will be pretty much the same as last year: attempting to improve the hard-pack clay bed the poor lawn sits on, eradication of weeds, and keeping the grass alive.

Your complaint about that you’ve now “…lived next door to [me] for 8 years, and the yard hasn’t changed” isn’t quite valid. I actually have more crabgrass this year to get rid of than in previous years. Your apparent need to point out its current height means you did notice the difference this year, the same as we have. Since the crabgrass loves our poor soil, it has lived through three poisonings since last month. I am terribly sorry, neighbor, that this is not sufficient effort for you, and your demand to know the exact weed killers we have used was part of your ever-so-kind efforts to be helpful.

I will take into consideration your advice to mow and water and throw chemicals around my yard as you do. However, dear neighbor, it seems to me that you’re failing to realize that we live IN A DESERT. And also, dear neighbor, it seems that you might have possibly missed the notices in our neighborhood, right next to the drains, embedded in the concrete, that our runoff water empties directly into the waterways where fish and other aquatic wildlife live.

So therefore, my concerned neighbor, I will continue to water infrequently this summer, keep my grass high to withstand DESERT heat, and use as few chemicals on my lawn as possible. Do not be overly dismayed at my crispy lawn—it is not dead, only dormant. It will revive in the fall when the DESERT heat leaves. I think the local fish will appreciate a little more water, and a few less chemicals invading their homes.

And as far as your parting remark about the “clutter” in my yard, I will be sure to let my children know that their bikes and skateboards and wagons and scooters are a horrible eyesore in this community. Heaven forbid that those items should be seen in a yard that has a family with children.

Once again, thank you for the visit this evening. And regarding your own personal description of yourself as “anal” about yardwork, I can only wholeheartedly agree with you.


Your Neighbor

P.S. Would you happen to know where I could purchase some pink flamingo lawn ornaments?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

How Did the Swine Flu Start?

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts


I love it when toddlers think saying ‘please’ will get them anything they want... you know: “Please. Please. Pleeeeease. PLEASE. PLEEEEEASE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!! I said PLEASE!!!”

I remember many a time putting on my glasses so I could see to find my glasses.

My childhood dog, Tasha, used to catch gophers. She'd patiently wait by a hole for HOURS, and when the thing would pop its head out, SNAP! No more gopher.

Took teenage daughter shopping for eyeglasses– 1 hour later, after she’s tried on every frame in the store, she finally chooses one. Took son-in-law shopping for a pair of eyeglasses. He picked out a frame in less than 3 minutes.

I remember riding my ‘Big Wheel’ all over the neighborhood. I also remember when the neighbor boy got a ‘Green Machine’ and made me all jealous.

Kayla: “Wait! I need to bite something before I go or my tummy is going to explode from hungriness!”

Monday, April 27, 2009

GreenJello Jiggler Award

I am awarding a GreenJello Jiggler Award today to....

(drumroll, please)

Kristina P.! Her most recent post, Superdell Caught Riding Dirty, was beyond awesome. I mean, any post that has fanny packs in it automatically qualifies as Totally Awesome. Right?

GreenJello Jiggler Award Rules:
  1. This award can be given to anyone, anytime, as long as their blog post made you laugh out loud so hard that you jiggled!
  2. Link to the post that jiggled you so others can share in the jigglement.
  3. Please copy these rules when you award it, so jiggly fun can be shared far and wide.
(Okay, so the rules are really lame with the overusage of the word "jiggle". Sue me.)

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Texting Conversation

Kayla: So this OLD nasty man who is so creepy just came up and asked me if i was 18! So i said no im only 16 and hes like oh im on a mission and im looking for young pretty girls who will go on dates with me and so on ew ew!
Me: Creepy! Probably a polygamist.
Kayla: Nasty disgusting grossness of doom

Saturday, April 25, 2009


Co-worker 1: I'm going to be moving into a retirement community in about a month.
Me: One for active adults?
C1: Exactly!
C2: Whenever I hear "active adults", it always sounds naughty to me.
C1: It all depends upon where your mind is at...
C2: I mean, I've only been married 7 years, and if someone said I was an "active adult", I know what I'd think of first!
Me: I hope when I'm living in a retirement community that I'll be an "active adult"!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Fill-Ins we go!


1. Apparently there's some sort of strange smell emanating from the cafeteria.

2. O sunny day. Thou art fairer than the icy roads, or the cold winds that blow up my skirt on Sundays.

3. 2009 is shaping up to be a recycled version of 2008 so far.

4. All it took was one Girl Scout cookie, and that was it. Fell right off the no-sugar wagon into a full pig-out fest.

5. For too long I've been anticipating the return of sunny days. Then, when it comes, the heat blasts you right back indoors! (A 40 degree change from the previous day is hard for your body to adjust to.)

6. I am not obsessed with making sure I spell 'emanating' correctly; I am not! (And I don't know how to get to, either.)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to shopping and preparing, tomorrow my plans include throwing a baby shower for my good friend and Sunday, I want to find more Girl Scout cookies!

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Me: Now that you're driving, I want to be sure you know how to change a flat tire.
Kayla: Oh, I already know how.
Me: Really? Explain how to me.
Kayla: You get out of your car, stick your boobs and butt way out, and your tire will get changed in about 5 minutes.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts


Whenever I go barefoot in the house, my feet seem to be magically attracted to anything on the floor that shouldn’t be there, like needles, thorns, teeny pieces of glass, staples… If something little is lost, I know all I need to do is take off my shoes, and I’ll find it in no time. Who needs a metal detector when I have foot-radar?

I still know all the names of the Teletubbies, even though my youngest is 11.

My oldest daughter was about 7 1/2 pounds at birth. Two weeks later, she weighed 12 pounds. She was 28 pounds at age one. I begged her to learn to walk.

My childhood dentist was a demon in scrubs. He used to give 12,000 shots into your mouth, crank your jaw open with a jack (I have TMJ because of him!), and drill out your entire tooth even if the cavity was teensy tiny. He just put silver fillings in, all the way down to the root. Then your mouth would HURT whenever you ate something cold. Sadist.

Nature loathes straight lines.

On Friday night, Ron and I had a (miraculous) night free of children. So, of course, we went out to eat! We headed over to a place where my bloggy friend Amber works at. She happened to be waitressing that night, and it was fun to finally meet face to face!

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.

So I’m at the Post Office this morning, and hear birds. Not just a couple, but a whole bunch of them. I can’t figure where the cheeping is coming from. Then a postal worker walks out from behind a door, and the cheeping intensifies. They’re actually in the building! I ask the worker, and he says they’re a bunch of chicks, waiting to be delivered to the local farming supply store. Totally weird to hear cheeping in the Post Office.

There is much truth to the flippant, "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger". Struggles and trials in our life help us to appreciate the good times all the more. And the older I get, the more I cherish the quiet moments that surface amidst the storms of life.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Amazing Steel Cut Oats

Many of you have asked me for my oatmeal recipe. Since my usual method of cooking is, as my mom used to say, "by guess and by golly"-- in other words, I just wing it-- I had to spend the last week paying attention to how much of each ingredient I was tossing in, and actually using measuring spoons.

So here's what I came up with. Make sure you are using steel cut oats, not the rolled variety (or you will end up with mush)(ew). The most inexpensive place to find them is in your bulk food section. If your neighborhood grocer doesn't carry them, take a trip to your local health food store.

Amazing Steel Cut Oats

1 cup steel cut oats
3 cups water
1 Tbsp. apple cider vinegar

In the morning, before you leave for work or start your day, combine the above ingredients in a pan. Cover with a lid, and allow to soak all day. At night, before you go to bed, add in:

1/2 tsp. sea salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. nutmeg
1 Tbsp. vanilla
1/4 cup chopped dates
1/4 cup chopped walnuts

Bring to a full boil, put lid on pan, and turn off heat. Allow to sit on the stove overnight. In the morning, add:

1/4 cup raisins

Mix well. You may then reheat it on the stove, or spoon out individual servings into bowls and reheat in the microwave. Add in preferred sweetener to taste (honey, brown sugar, agave, etc.), and some fruit on top. (This oatmeal is fantastic with sliced bananas or apples.)

Makes approximately 4 bowls of oatmeal. Store any leftovers in the refrigerator, and use within 4-5 days.

(Here's my HASAY addition: Since I've been eating steel cut oats for breakfast almost every morning for just over two weeks, my body fat has consistently dropped little by little each day. Wow!)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

My Favorite Joke

A little old lady was cleaning up her attic. She picked up a lamp, and started to brush the dust off.

POOF! Out pops a genie. The genie tells her, "You can have any three wishes you want." Without hesitating, the old woman says, "I want to be young and beautiful, be surrounded by wealth, and want my cat over here to turn into a handsome young man!"

The genie immediately grants her wishes and disappears. The woman is young and beautiful again, she is surrounded by money and jewels, and her cat has transformed into the most breathtakingly handsome man.

As he wraps her in his arms, he whispers into her ear...

"Now... aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

Friday, April 17, 2009

Friday Fill-Ins: The Never Ending Winter Edition we go!


1. Join me in the land of never ending winter. (When is it that spring will come again?)

2. Put a little sunshine in your day! No, really. Bring it on!

3. Happiness is waking up to a windshield that doesn't need scraped.

4. I thought spring was supposed to officially begin March 20th. You know, sunshine and chirping birds and allergies and all that... but I could be dazed and confused. (Normal for me.)

5. I'm waiting for the day I can walk outside without a coat, and not freeze my little buns off. (Ok, so my buns aren't so little.)(Let me be happy in my disillusionment, please.)

6. Ice cream is hard to resist. Even in the dead of winter. It's worth the shiver fest.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to telling Jack Frost to get his hiney out of town, tomorrow my plans include coaxing spring out of hiding and Sunday, I want to bask in the warmth of the sun! PLEASE!!!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Texting Conversation

Kayla: Ew theres worms everywhere!
Me: That's what happens when it rains. :)
Kayla: Ew ew ew there was a bazillion of them! And some had been stepped on!
Me:Did you spare their lives? :)
Kayla: I wouldn't dare squish those things! Yucky mess and guts everywhere! Ew!
Me: Just think of it as a crude science dissection. A learning moment...
Kayla: Nah if i want to get nausious then id just go watch people get their blood drawn

And later:

Me: I just stepped on a worm.
Kayla: Ew!
Me: Thought you'd want to know.
Kayla: Im about to eat lol nasty!
Me: Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms...
Kayla: Youre so gross!
Me: Have to have something to laugh about today! :)
Kayla: Or throw up about

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts


I love watching the show “Cash Cab”, even if I only can watch it on rare occasions. If I ever get to New York, and need a cab, I am SO going to look for Ben Bailey.

When I was newly divorced, and not dating at all, I had to have a series of procedures done at the hospital. They always made me take a pregnancy test. I told them over and over again that, unless biology had changed recently, one had to engage in sex to become pregnant. They still insisted on the pee test EVERY SINGLE TIME, even though it was generally only a few days between the procedures. After being asked for the umpteenth time if I could possibly be pregnant, I replied, "Only by immaculate conception."

Heard on the radio this morning:
“You know what it means when a woman has big feet, right?”
“No, what?”
“It means she has big socks.”

When I was a kid, I used to watch all the adults sit around and talk. They were BORING. Then I got older. When I was in my late teens, adult conversation became a little more interesting. Now my kids think I’m boring. And stupid.

I happen to live in the same state as Steenky Bee, just a short hour drive away from each other. So of course, we had to travel 4+ hours out of our way to finally meet in Moab, UT this past weekend. She’s awesomely nice, and not an internet axe murderer (as far as I could tell), and I’m pleased as punch to be her “first”.

Ron and I took all our kids (minus one who lives out of state) to go see "Wicked" on Easter. Even though we could only scrape enough money together to buy us seats in the nosebleed section, it was absolutely fantastic. The two leading ladies had the most amazing voices. I wish we could have sat closer to get the full effect of everything, but I'll take what we can get. I was glad to give the kids the experience of going to a Broadway show (without having to travel to New York)(although I'd like to do that, too).

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts


I had a friend in high school I sat with at lunch. She used to tear open all her sandwich baggies very carefully down the seams and set her food on top of the plastic before eating any of her lunch. It was strangely fascinating to watch.

I've never figured out why people like beer. It's vile. People tell me, "You have to develop a taste for it." Ummmm... okay. Why on earth would you want to develop a taste for something that smells like horse piss?

I've started making my own oatmeal from scratch, instead of those little instant packet thingies. They're not rolled oats, either, but the honest-to-goodness steel cut oats. Takes some cooking time, but holy smokes-- I actually LIKE oatmeal now. This morning, my oatmeal was made with raisins/dates/walnuts/cinnamon/nutmeg/vanilla with bananas sliced on top. Why didn't I do this years ago? I've missed out on so many fantastic breakfasts.

In our quarterly education we have to go through here at the hospital, this little nugget of wisdom was imparted: “If it’s wet and it’s not yours, don’t touch it unless you’re wearing your protective equipment.” I really am not liking the mental images I’m getting from this…

Monday, April 06, 2009

Time to Trim Up!

I mentioned a while back that I was embarking on a weight-loss program, trying to get off the extra weight that's causing my back to be in the "very painful" category. I also mentioned that I was interested in the hCG Diet, and wanted to know what people's opinions were on that. Since I couldn't find the information I wanted on the internet, I decided to turn myself in to a guinea pig, and record the numbers I couldn't find.

Fat Loss Chronicles

That being said, I'm trying really hard to change my current eating patterns. I gave up sugar for Lent (first time I've participated in Lent!), and stayed off sugar for 36 consecutive days. (I had some ice cream on Saturday.) Haven't had any more sugar since Saturday, though. I've started making my own yogurt and kefir, and have been tracking my food intake and nutrition over at Fit Day.

Now I need to get a regular exercise routine going again. I was doing interval training not too long ago (fast walk with running), and loved it. But my back started hurting so much, I had to quit. Now that I've dropped 15+ pounds, I think it will be doable again.

Hey, Casey. Does this mean I qualify to join HASAY?

Friday, April 03, 2009

Friday Fill-Ins we go!


1. Angel or not, I will knock that halo off the top of your smug little face if you keep rolling your eyes at me like that. (Ok, not really. But it sounds heavenly!)

2. _____ any way you want me. (If you really think I'm gonna tell you on my blog how I'd fill this one in, you've got another think coming!)

3. As my mother used to say, you're full of it. (Yeah, just it. Nothing fun like "piss and vinegar" came out of my mom's mouth. You knew you were in serious trouble if you ever heard her say "damn".)

4. I sweat like a man after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous. (Like you REALLY wanted to know that...)

5. Even in the most crowded of rooms you don't want to be near me after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous.

6. Any day when you have teenagers is a day fraught with peril.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Violet's muscial at school, tomorrow my plans include freaking sleeping in for once and Sunday, I want to try sleeping in again!

Thursday, April 02, 2009


Lu: I think the boys at school pulled my arm out of place yesterday when they were yanking on it.
Me: It's probably just a mild sprain.
Lu: I didn't know you could sprain your arm!
Me: You can sprain any muscle. In fact, you can sprain your brain if you think too hard.
Lu: (surprised look) .....Really?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009